She is the antipathy to my self confidence. From the moment my eyes flutter open or are forcefully priced with chubby fingers, she stirs the pot, for violating my dreams was just not cruel enough.
The sighs of annoyance at the tardiness as I rush to dress for the day before the sane adult leaves for work, the gasps as I guiltily add an extra spoon of sugar to the mug of decaffeinated gunk that would be too kind to be classified as coffee, and the shock at even considering sitting to wolf down a piece of toast.
She watches me like a hawk, forever second guessing my decisions, whether it be to embark on a new path or what I could cook for dinner.
My child would pat my head and tell me it was okay that I had yelled but she would not be that forgiving. Adding salt to my already regret filled pain, she would continue to shoot me with visuals of my raging tirades of the past along with my little one’s teary face.
After sending me down a guilt trip for being too exhausted to ensure that the children got their WHO advised quotas of nutrients for the day, she would twist the knife by reminding me of past mistakes and grievances I caused that are beyond help.
The dreams left unpursued, the conversations left unfinished, the projects left to rot away, or not being present when my mobile infant knocks his head for the 5th time for the day. Nothing misses her eagle eyes.
She drills me worse than any sergeant would and takes me with her after casting Legilimency upon my weary mind.
Filling me with shame that overflows and regret that threatens to engulf me as I drown in desperation at trying to work out the science of being a got-it-together mother/adult, she is the best pal of my insomnia.
Telling myself that ships do not sink because of the water around them, but they do when the water gets into them makes no difference since her raw power is much too strong for my feeble protests.
Weak, I will be till I learn to forgive her for this
I cannot absolve myself of her for my entire existence depends on her. Wherever I may go and whoever I may become, she will always be a part of me, criticising me and continuing to drag me down as I leap out of the waters.
Learning to coexist is what I can do but I cannot do so unless I forgive her. Forgive her every single day to give myself the strength to wake up and live the plan entrusted upon me.
My conscience, the wretched tyrant of my life, needs to be forgiven for being the harshest critic of all.